Below is a summary of my 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat at Chan Myae Myaing Meditation Center in Myanmar.
I chose Myanmar because the practice originated there, and I thought the authentic cultural experience would be a cool addition. (It was!) The CMM center in particular is smaller than most and came recommended from a friend.
What is “Vipassana” meditation?
Vipassana means “to see things as they really are” or “intense, deep or powerful seeing” within ourselves. It is insight practice that needs to be personally experienced, having nothing to do with reasoning or thinking.
The practice pays continued close attention to sensation, and it’s through observing our sensations that we’re able to see the true nature of our existence. What does that mean? You really have to see for yourself. : )
Why?
I tend to learn the most about myself through times of suffering- which up until this meditation retreat had mostly been long and intense physical endeavors. The opposite of that (in my mind) is sitting still for a long time and not doing anything, and it sounded really, really hard.
10 days of being still, quiet, and looking inside instead of out sounded like the ultimate sufferfest. So I was in. Let’s see what happens. : )
New experiences in general also excite me, and this was completely different than anything I’d done before. (I had not meditated for more than 1 hour prior.)
Our Schedule
4:00am: Wake-up and head to Meditation Hall
4:30am: Meditation
5:30am: Breakfast
6:30am: Cleaning
8:00am: Morning meditation session: continuous sitting and walking
10:30am: Lunch
11:30am-1:00pm: Free time (I napped every single day.)
1:00pm – 5:00pm: Afternoon meditation session: continuous sitting and walking
5:00-6:00pm: Juice, with short break after
6:00-9:00pm: Chanting and sometimes a Dhamma Talk, then evening meditation session: continuous sitting and walking
9:00pm: Back to rooms, sleep.
Essentially, about 10 hours of meditation / day for 10 days… 100 hours.
Arrival and Orientation
Q and I arrived to the meditation center just before 5pm on Monday, Dec. 3rd. It felt real when the taxi driver dropped us off.
Right before arriving, we splurged on lattes and gourmet burgers. : ) We didn’t know much about what we were about to experience, but we did know that we wouldn’t be eating dinner.
Viranani, an American nun who taught and took care of all international yogis at the center, met and showed us our rooms.
We each had our own very basic room and bathroom, which we would clean for about an hour every morning after breakfast. It was part of giving back and helping to maintain the center for future yogis.
I was told my shower was broken, and that I’d need to use the bucket provided for showers. My upper walls were covered in cobwebs and large spiders living in them. Mosquitos. No, it wasn’t long before I requested a bug net for sleeping. : )
The main rules:
- No eating after 12:00pm / noon
- No talking or eye contact with other yogis
- No internet or phone usage, reading, writing, singing, or listening to music
Day 1
Day 1 was the hardest. Slowing down was almost unbearable.
It wasn’t just about slowing down for sitting and walking meditation, but we were supposed to be slow and mindful at all times. So, also walking to and from the dining hall, while eating, and in our rooms while doing daily activities.
For anyone who knows me, I love walking fast; it’s part of who I am. : ) Simply walking slowly made me feel SO RESTLESS.
It was challenging to find a comfortable sitting position that I could settle into without moving. I have tight hips and a slightly rotated pelvis, so I ended up using a chair to allow myself to sit longer. (Just me and an elderly man in chairs, yessss.)
Sitting and walking is alternated at our own pace. I didn’t sit for longer than 20 minutes before I gave in and got up to walk around.
I found out that I’d be having daily interviews with Viranani, together with Q. She didn’t ask us if we wanted to interview together- but instead told us to come at the same time. So it was a “silent” meditation retreat, apart from these 15 minute sessions. We were allowed to report on our practice, ask a few questions and Viranani would then give us guidance.
I was kinda bummed that it wasn’t 10 days of complete silence, because that sounded even more challenging, and I would have been curious for the experience. BUT, having the daily interviews was incredibly helpful and always gave me new inspiration and motivation to practice that day.
Viranani had us focused on metta for the first day: “May all beings be at ease.” It’s a concentration practice while also spreading love, kindness and goodwill to all beings.
I couldn’t help but to observe the other yogis at the center. It’s pretty amazing how much can be taken in with peripheral vision. What are the people around me doing? I wonder where they’re all from and how long they’ve been here. How do people do this for 30+ days? Dedicate their life to this? That guy has perfect posture. What was that sound? What time is it? 2 more hours until lunch. I wonder why ______. I wonder how Q is doing.
My room was my safe haven. It was so relieving to go to my room and close the door! Felt like a breath of fresh air from trying to fit in and at least look like I was being slow and mindful.
I had a lot of anxiety about doing this routine for 9 more days. I wanted to go for a run more than anything. I actually thought about leaving several times, and tried to make deals with myself like “Just make it to 5 days, then you can leave.” I also thought about sneaking out for a run during break time. But ultimately, I was able to dismiss these thoughts. ; )
Oh, and Q burned his hand while pouring tea in the morning. Greaaaat beginning to the retreat! The tea was made scalding hot every day- you couldn’t even think about drinking it until the end of the meal. His burn looked horrible! It was covered in blisters and of course no medical supplies, ice, or expertise were available at the center. Luckily, I had some bacitracin ointment in my first aid kit that I could give him. I felt so bad, and it was hard to not ask him about it over the next days.
Day 2
Continued restlessness today. Days 1 and 2 felt very similar.
We started the “vipassana” practice today. Process: Start with the breath: rising, falling, rising, falling. Once concentration feels stable there, then start to open up and observe whatever happens in the present moment. These can be labeled: thinking, wondering, hearing, smelling, feeling, touching, seeing. Then the sensation(s) of whatever arose are observed. Then, what happens when we observe them?
This was hard. It was easy to get pulled away by a thought or an idea before realizing “Oh shit. Okay, rising, falling…”
The lining up for food process was strange! We lined up 5 minutes before meal time, in a very particular order: monks, Burmese men, foreigner men, foreigner nuns, foreigner women, Burmese nuns.
One monk would sound the wooden gong, and then we’d all slowly walk into the food hall.
I ate in the vegetarian line every day; it seemed like the healthiest and safest option. The food was actually pretty good. Nothing special at all, but every meal had either rice or noodles with vegetables and fruits.
Eating in silence while looking down at my own plate felt so socially awkward and against my natural inclination. I felt like I was suppressing my personality. The woman who sat across from me was surprised by a gecko the day before and broke her foot. When she arrived at the table, I wanted to say hello and ask how she was doing.
Days 3, 4
These were my most “zen” days. I finally stopped fighting the process and slowness of everything, and I felt (more) settled into the practice. I was able to start sitting for 30-40 minutes at a time, which felt like a significant improvement.
Viranani mentioned in our interview that I should take my energy and external curiosity and “Get curious about yourself.” That really resonated with me.
We had a Dhamma talk today from Sayadaw, the most senior monk and abbot of the center. He doesn’t speak English, so it was translated for the international yogis. The translation wasn’t great, but I was still grateful for the attempt.
A Dhamma talk is essentially a teaching on Buddhism, though this particular one was focused more on the meditation practice.
Sayadaw mentioned it was “Friday” at the beginning of his talk, and it made me realize that I hadn’t thought about day of the week at all since we arrived. Just day 1, day 2, etc.
I had a lot of good thinking over these days. The only thing is – this isn’t a practice for thinking or contemplating. This was hard for me, especially when thought was flowing, I genuinely didn’t want to stop thinking and bring myself back to the practice. Sometimes I was able to bring myself back, and other times I chose not to and continue thinking. Thinking was more enjoyable and also helped the time pass faster. …the ups and downs of the practice!
I started doing yoga in my room 2x a day (this was allowed) – after breakfast and again after lunch before the afternoon session, and it kept me sane.
Oh, and I wasn’t stoked on my evening bucket showers, and somehow I miraculously fixed my shower-head. : )
Day 5
The most incredible thunderstorm rolled in at exactly half-way through our retreat. 4pm. There was this stillness that lingered in the afternoon, and then suddenly some of the heaviest and hardest rain I’ve ever heard poured down. The meditation hall is on the 3rd/top floor, covered with windows and doors on both sides. So it felt open and exposed, while still being indoors.
It had been so hot the previous days, with absolutely nothing exciting going on. I was so happy that I was laughing (quietly to myself) and then tears just started streaming down my cheeks.
I broke the eye contact rule- I had to find Q in the room and see how he was reacting. The same. : )
We walked downstairs and started doing walking meditation in the rain. Every sense was completely electrified, and I just closed my eyes and soaked it all in- literally.
It felt like a much needed half-time celebration.
Days 6, 7
These days were really hard again- another “low” phase of the retreat. It felt like we’d been there forever, and yet still had a long time to go. I had to remind myself to break the time into smaller chunks again: 3 hours until lunch, settle in…
My mind automatically started counting #s with steps during walking meditation: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc. This made me laugh at first. I think it was a sign that my mind was over it, and it also comes from habit of counting anything repetitive with pushups, sit-ups, and other exercises. Every time I noticed the counting happening, I stopped and reset. Starting again with “Lifting, stepping, lifting, stepping” and tuning into the sensations of walking.
I started using a bug net in the meditation hall. It’s amazing how many times you think an ant, mosquito, or other bugs are on you while sitting and trying to concentrate. It turns into either moving or opening my eyes, so the bug net thankfully eliminated that.
We had a second Dhamma talk in the afternoon. Sayadaw talked about reaching Nirvana: a state of being free from all desire and suffering. An interesting listen… it didn’t resonate with me, though.
I like the lighting for the evening meditation sessions. It’s dark except for two lights at the front of the hall, shining on the Buddha statue. It felt easier to focus on myself when I was surrounded by darkness. I brought my buff up to the meditation hall during the day to see if creating “darkness” would help me settle in during the daytime. It didn’t work. Rather, I was just annoyed by the pressure of the buff over my eyes, ha.
I found myself going over the allotted time for cleaning one of these days. Then I realized that I preferred to clean a little longer than going upstairs to meditate.
I remind myself often that how I’m feeling now will come and go. I also remind myself that this is a retreat that I voluntarily signed up for, I’m not kept here without will, and I’m not in prison. Sometimes it really felt like it.
I fell asleep during one of the morning meditation sessions.
I thought about breaking the “no food after 12pm” rule when I got back to my room one evening. I took a jar of peanut butter out my bag and set it next to the banana on my desk. Ultimately refrained.
Also, it was hard in general to not just shovel food into my mouth when I’m super hungry.
Days 8, 9
I was officially bored. I told Viranani during interview time that I felt bored for perhaps the first time in my life. She laughed and said, “Good! You’re at a wonderful place in the practice.” Not the reaction I was expecting. She said her generation grew up with boredom, and now the younger generations are never bored; there are always things around to distract and grab attention. She told me to sit with the boredom and be present with it.
The thing is, I wasn’t necessarily bored with sitting and thinking – but I knew that’s not what I was supposed to be doing. I was bored with being mindful while sitting and observing myself ALL DAY. I thought about quality over quantity. Towards the end of the retreat, my practice started to feel high quantity with low quality.
Slow walking was surprisingly tiring and my legs began to feel sore in weird places.
One of our morning line ups for breakfast was hilarious: the wooden gong was hit a few minutes early and everyone quickly scrambled into the correct lineup. I thoroughly enjoyed the short disruption in the slow pace. : )
Viranani gave a great talk one evening on “balancing” the meditation practice. At first, balance feels like a knife edge: it’s so easy to fall off. Though deeper into the practice, it can feel like a valley: an area that the mind naturally comes to rest.
It’s okay to be off-balance over and over again, i.e. make mistakes continuously. That’s part of the practice, and it’s not the place for perfection or judgements. Mindfulness is remembering to keep coming back.
Viranani also stressed how important it is to always approach our practice with a beginner’s mindset and fresh eyes; we should lose preconceived ideas and what we think we already know about ourselves.
Day 10
Eventually, day 10 arrived. Excitement and buzz was running through my mind and entire body that it was the last day. This energy made sitting meditation difficult. After lunch and a nap, though, I was able to settle back in for the final afternoon and evening sessions.
In the evening, it rained most of the night. I loved meditating while listening to the rain, and it was the perfect way to end the retreat.
Reflection
Ultimately, 10 days is a LONG time to do one thing, especially when that one thing is meditation. It was REALLY hard. But, I am so glad that I did it. These were the biggest takeaways for me:
• I was able to fully slooow down, mind and body, and feel somewhat comfortable with the discomfort. And as it turns out- I create and can control that discomfort.
• I learned that our emotions come from within, and that we are responsible for our emotions. It is not outside forces that make us feel something; it is what we tell ourselves that create our feelings. “Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions — not outside.” – Marcus Aurelius
• It was fascinating to observe emotions dissipate. Watching an emotion (and the associated sensations of that emotion) come and then go. We live in a world of ever-changing external circumstances, and I feel like I’ve realized more of my own power to keep external events and other people from negatively impacting my own emotional state. We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we react.
• All experiences are impermanent.
• I know I can always come back to the rising and falling of my breath- anywhere, anytime- as a way to be calm or reminder to stay present.
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